B.M.(Before Micah), my best friend Lindsey and I spent every day together, eating egg whites and cheese on whole wheat wraps whilst looking deeply into each others eyes, tandem bicycling through People With Aids Square, picnicing in the park with the homeless. Life was perfect. And then she met Miiiicaaaahhh. No more loving brunches, no more People With Aids, no more homelessmen-at least not for me. God knows what THEY do together...well, actually I do know because I've been spying on them. (Sorry I broke your window, Lindsey-I thought he was hurting you!...you never let ME do that...) Why do you want Lindsey all to yourself, you ask? Because I have given up on men. I'm not bitter, I just don't want to waste any more time, energy, or irresistible sex appeal on you guys, especially since so many of you cocksuckers SOMEHOW manage to resist it! And even if you take the bait, there's always something wrong with you. And God forbid there is nothing wrong with you; I will undoubtedly find a way to fuck it up all by myself. Let me explain. I'd like to take you through a year in the life of my vagina.
Item #1-The Lumberjack - Now I wasn't looking for much, just a little fun, maybe something consistent, but nothing too serious. And so my friend introduces me to one of his hot friends and I get drunk and tell said friend, said LUMBERJACK, to GIVE me his number RIGHT NOW and I WILL call him and WE ARE going out on a date, etc...because I'm very bold with men when I'm drunk. I know he's not psycho because he's my friend's friend, and I know he won't date rape me because my friend would kill him. It's a good start. Can't ask for much more on a first date, just don't rape me, you know? If I can avoid that, I'd say the date was a success. But then again, I don't have very high standards. We went out, and it was great! The only reason I didn't sleep with him on the first date is because I had to wake up early the next day...and because I like to give the false impression that I'm a lady. So of course the next time I see him it's all over. We start dating? Fucking? Awkwardly communicating through text messages and metaphors? It was great when he was naked in my bed but getting him there was hard work. This kid was like, afraid of the talk button on his phone. I think I actually spoke to him more on that first date than in the whole rest of the year that I've known him. He was quite textacular, though, he could keep a text convo going for days...but his text messages were always obscure and frustrating.
Here is a sample, and of course there was like, 15 minutes in between each text, just to add to the frustration.
Me: Are you coming over?
Lumberjack: I hope so.......
Me: Well, it's up to you.
Lumberjack: Hmmmmmm.........
Me: So.....does that mean you are coming or not?
Lumberjack: I reckon....
Me: Ok, well when are you coming?
Lumberjack: When in Rome.....
Me: Um....what does that mean in reference to my question?
Lumberjack: Indeed.....
Me: Are you coming over or not?!
Lumberjack: ...............................................................
Me: What does that mean? Are you on acid?
Lumberjack: Chah!
Me: Listen, just forget it. I'm going to bed...
Lumberjack: Oh, really?
Me: Yeah, really. You are impossible.
Lumberjack: Chah!
Me: Goodnight.
Lumberjack: Is it though?
Me: UGH.
Lumberjack: Hmmmmmmmmm................
But he was fucking hot. He looked like the Brawny Man. So I was willing to put up with a little eccentricity. And it's not like he's an asshole, he's really sweet. I actually really liked him as a person. He just lacks social skills. Then again, so do I. Maybe that's why I got along with him. But he's a precious case. Anyway, I finally realized that this big beautiful man couldn't get his shit together and even just fuck me on a regular basis (is this really asking too much?!?!), so some time had passed since we'd seen each other when who do I run into at Union Square one day but... the Lumberjack. We catch up for a minute, but he was heading to work, so like an idiot, I ask him to get coffee with me the next week. I can't help it, I'm very shallow and he's very pretty and in the back of my head I'm thinking I could get laid. COULD. He is not the most predictable human and he has turned me down more times than I'd like to relive. But it's worth a shot, right? Somehow getting coffee turned into getting dinner, then frozen yogurt, then he walks me back to my place, conveniently has to go to the bathroom, so i'm thinking, sweet! He's thinking what I'm thinking- That's obviously code for sex! We're on the couch, having the standard bare minimum, awkward conversation...and I'm feeling so brazen I even text my roommate, "Go into your room already, I'm about to close the deal". Now the Lumberjack is not a forward kind of guy, which you may have gathered. I have always had to make the first move with him, except for the time he burst through my front door and threw me up against the wall...sigh...so to speed things up (I was getting tired) I just had to come out and ask him, "On a scale of 1-10 how bad of an idea would it be if I invited you into my room right now?" He laughed. But since he hadn't given me a direct NO, I try one more tactic- direct contact- and I shove my face into his and kiss him square on the lips. He doesn't respond, he just sits there like a stone, staring straight ahead. Then he says it's mighty quiet in here and could we turn the tv on? What? I am in full chagrin so I just say ok. We watch a few uncomfortable minutes of Chelsea Lately and I turn to him and say I'm going to bed. Pause. (There is always a chance he'll want to join me, right? Ugh...) He just says... "ok". So now having concluded, beyond a reasonable doubt, that this man simply refuses to sleep with me, I tell him to leave. "Let's talk soon" he says at the door. I shrug and give a Larry David style "eeeaahhheehhh?" He says, "What, never?" "Eeeehaaaaheeeeh...?" And that was that.
Ok, Kelly, maybe you know someone who may actually put out? Sure, I think...
Item #2 - The Clit Tease- This man is an acquaintance with whom I have, on occasion, made out with. This may or may not have happened at Bar 9 where Lindsey and I do our comedy show, downstairs in the employee area, where he may or may not have put his fingers in my vagina and I may or may not have touched his penis...it led me to believe he wanted to stick it in. Right? Wrong. It was almost so perfect: we ran into each other in a bar (ok, I knew he was going to be there) literally steps away from my apartment, I had just gotten my vagina waxed the day before, so it had had a minute to recover from the shock but hadn't had enough time to begin regrowth, and I'm horny as hell. It would have been such a nice little nightcap. So I get cocky with him, as I do, and DEMAND he come with me, but he-gasp-REJECTS ME! He had a range of excuses. I was so confused I didn't know what to do- I must have been in a state of shock, because I just kept telling him to come home with me and he just kept refusing. It was like I was so shocked that this man was turning me down that I actually acquired amnesia....I was like a bird flying into a glass door again and again and again...I was so bewildered I didn't even feel ashamed or embarrassed at how desperate and pathetic I was acting...Thank GOD I am not on a reality show, I couldn't even imagine having to watch that train wreck happen over again.
I am obviously doing something wrong here... So what about a one night stand with a complete stranger? I mean, there's got to be some action there, right? It's a catch all category, literally, or clitorally, as the case may be...
Item #3 - The Paralyzer - Saturday: I meet a man at bar and successfully lure him back to my apartment and we fuck - FINALLY SOMEONE TOUCHES MY VAGINA!...Sunday: my tongue goes numb...Monday: the entire right side of my face goes numb and I am told I have Bell's Palsy. My face remains paralyzed for a month. HE FUCKED BELL'S PALSY INTO ME.
Ok, so maybe you need to go out with someone and not try to get laid right away, did you ever think of that? Sure, when I was a virgin. But ok, I'll try it. I'll try to act like an adult and just go out on a date. Let me tell you about the last date I went on...
Item #4 - The Perfect Gentleman - He bought us theatre tickets, took me out to dinner, opened doors, etc. After dinner we go to another bar, where I proceed to nightcap with 2 gigantic vodka martinis. Not clever. So we walk back to my place and I am world-spinningly drunk. But somehow this condition only further inflates my ego-I still think I'm the hottest shit to hit lower manhattan; as we get to my doorstep I turn to him and confidently slur, "You can come upstairs, but I am not going to have sex with you". Cut to us making out on my couch, but what's that? Oh, yup, I'm going to vomit. And while I'm cleaning blackened catfish off the toilet seat, my roommates come home to find a bewildered drunken stranger in their living room. The poor guy was super cool about the whole situation but quickly excused himself. I passed out and woke up full of regret.
So, you see, folks, I just can't do it, I can't date. I don't know if it's because I'm dead inside or I'm just severely socially awkward but for whatever reason, I cannot behave like a human, let alone a lady.
Come on, I just can't believe that there is no one out there for you. What about a coworker?
Which brings me to:
Item #5 - The Creepy Puerto Rican Janitor From Work Who Was Married 3 Times and Has 4 Kids - Now please don't take offense, there's nothing wrong with having kids and there's nothing wrong with being a janitor. But I'm sure we can all agree that there IS something wrong with being Puerto Rican...I'm just kidding, my ex-boyfriend was Puerto Rican. He probably still is actually...but seriously, this guy, was the pits. For argument's sake let's just call him Antonio Rafael Vazquez. Wait, is he Dominican? Whatever, what's the difference? Either way, he's a creeper. Now Antonio is a hunter, you can tell. He's always on the poon prowl. One day he tells me I'm the perfect woman because I cook and I'm good with kids. Then he gives me his email address on a piece of notebook paper and says, "Email me sometime". A few days later he ups the anty and tells me he's been having dreams about me as he sleazily mops the floor around me, circling closer and closer, like a shark janitor. I came to find out later that he told several other women at my job the same thing! And then he asked me about my previous boyfriends and when I told him one of them was Puerto Rican he got really excited. That was a mistake on my part. This I think gave him the confidence to hand me a love letter a few days later:
I couldn't even read it at the time, I had my friend at work read it to me. I decided I would email Antonio and let him down easy, but my friend suggested nipping it in the bud. I'd like to nip him in the bud, but he's married. So I catch Antonio in the bathroom area. He's cleaning a toilet and I'm changing a poopy diaper and the moment was just right. I say, "Hey listen, I'm not offended, but I'm not reallyyyyyy...you know?" He says, "Yeah, I know, that's cool, I wasn't like, trying to get a date out of it or anything." Ok. Whatever, dude. The next day I caught him making out in that very bathroom with an underage staff member. But I'm sure she's just his rebound. He was so into me.
So, people, I hope you can understand why I'm willing to give up the penis for Lindsey. There isn't much penis to give up anyway. And to think I almost had Lindsey convinced that we were perfect for one another when MICAH came into the picture and ruined it all! I'll find a way to win her back yet...if it's the last thing I do!
-Kelly Wallace-Barnhill
