Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Things You Could Be Doing With the Time You Save by Not Editing Your Texts

I don’t know about you guys, but it seems like I spend almost twice as much time as is necessary to write a text or a post. Half the time I'm hitting this damn button, 
rewriting sentences that my phone tries to ruin for me by changing “fucking” to “ducking” and “seriously” to “seruslkljflskl” or whatever other bullshit tactics it’s devised to destroy my patience.  

Time for some statistics: The average person spends 162 minutes per day on their mobile device, 86% of that time is with apps, and 28% of that time is on Facebook, Twitter, and social messaging.  I did the math.  That’s about 39 minutes a day.  I think this is a bit of an underestimation, so let’s at least round up to 40.  Let’s say that half of this 40 minutes you are typing words, and let’s also say that half of that time you are DUCKING REVISING WHAT YOU WROTE BECAUSE IT DUCKING KEEPS CHANGING YOUR DUCKING WORDS AND ACCIDENTALLY ERASING WHAT YOU WROTE AND JUST GENERALLY BEING A DUMB HOBAG OF A PHONE!  Do I have fat fingers or something?  FML stupid iPhone keyboard. 

Anyway, here are some suggestions with what you could be doing with those precious lost 10 minutes a day.

READ A BOOK.  Remember books?  They remember you too.  They love the way you smelled when you were new, with your freshly pressed and glossy pages, full of possibility and anticipation.  And now that you’re old, they like that smell too.  You smell like history, like a life well lived, like an old scotch in a worn leather chair by a crackling fire on a rainy night in a musty old library filled with ancient secrets and far-away adventure.  Actually you just smell musty.  You should shower.

TAKE A SHOWER.  Nothing feels more refreshing than washing away the texts and tweets of the day like a good old fashioned shower.  Well, not an old fashioned one I guess.  We wouldn’t want you bathing once a month in the old copper bin by the chicken coop with your mom pouring lukewarm water over your head with a giant soup ladle now would we?

CLEAN YOUR BATHTUB.  We all know you pee in there.

TAKE YOUR DOG FOR A WALK.  Get a little exercise, and give your pooch an extra spin around the block.  You’ll both benefit.  Have a cat or other furry animal friend?  Pet them!  As the name implies!  If it’s something underwater or poisonous, just...look at it.  Look at your fish or tarantula for 10 straight minutes.  Who knows what you may learn.  Don’t have a pet at all?  Look into adopting one at

EAT A TACO.  Tacos are delicious!  Use your 10 extra minutes at lunch time!  You could probably eat 2 or 3!  Get the al pastor, it’s my favorite.

CALL YOUR MOM.  It’s not that hard.  Just pick up the phone.  You can do it.  Go on.  I’ll wait.  No, seriously, it’s fine, I’ll wait.  I have some emails to catch up on.  I’ll go in the other room...Did you do it?  I don’t believe you- let me see your call history.  Just let me see it!  I knew it!  You’re such a liar.  You have no recent calls.  You’re telling me you sat here and wasted your 10 free minutes pretending to talk to your mom?  I heard you talking to someone!  You are more tragic than I thought.  SMH.

TAKE A NAP.  Hurry!  Go!  You only have 10 minutes, pussycat.

SING A SONG.  Sing. Sing a song.  Sing out loud.  Sing out strong.  When was the last time you sang a song all the way through?  Your drunken rendition of “I Want To Know What Love Is” at karaoke doesn’t count because you sounded terrible and you forgot most of the words.  (How? They are right there on the screen to prevent exactly this!)  Heck, you’ve got 10 minutes, sing a long one--- Hotel California/Stairway to Heaven/November Rain.  Air guitar the solo.  Live your life.
WRITE A HAIKU.  At the end of the year, you could publish a book of haikus!  This could be your calling...
MAKE YOUR OWN LIST OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD BE DOING WITH YOUR EXTRA 10 MINUTES.  Do one each day, and check it off your list.  It’s satisfying to accomplish something, even if the accomplishment is just eating a taco.

Now that we know what we want to do with our extra 10 minutes a day, it’s time for the hard part.  It’s time to let all your weird, incoherent and misspelled texts and posts ride.  No backsies!  Who cares if your friends can’t find you at the mall, people think you're voting for Trump or your boyfriend thinks you’re breaking up with him?  They can pick up the phone and call you if they need so much damn clarification.  You’re enjoying your ducking taco.  

Saturday, December 5, 2015

The Behind the Scenes of Working in a Restaurant

Hey guys, it's Lindsey.  Kelly and I are currently working at the same restaurant in LA, because we like to do everything together.  If you’ve never worked in a restaurant, then you may not know what is really going on behind closed doors while you are dining.  You may not know that your dining behavior is appalling and rude. You may not know that while you were supposed to have 8 pieces of shrimp on your plate, your server was hungry and ate the other two.  You may not know that because of one little thing that you said or did, your server hates you, the kitchen hates you, and the hostess definitely hates you. Here is some insight as to what is really going on behind the scenes before, after and while you are having your meal from your servers perspective.

We Hate You. Unless you come in silently and with a smile, sit without any hesitation or preference of where you’d like to sit, and order off the menu with absolutely no moderations, we hate you.

We haven’t washed our hands since the last time we used the restroom - When we pee, we wash our hands, but the rest of our shift we are too busy to, and we had our dirty hands all over your plates.  Bon Apetite!

We ate two of your pieces of shrimp off your plate, and a piece of pita from your hummus plate, and ten of your fries, two pieces of your Calamari, and we tasted your cocktail. All of it was delicious.

Your silverware is not clean by the time it gets to you.  See, it was clean, and then it went into a dirty bin, which went upstairs, and sat on a shelf, and then we “polished it” and touched it all over with our dirty hands (see above).  Also, take a moment and think about all of the the hundreds of people who ate off that fork before you.  Yup.  It is what it is. 

We are racist against all people and are judging everyone who walks through the door and sits down. It doesn’t matter if you are black, white, old, young, Italian, English, or an Animal, we are judging you, making calls on how you’ll behave during your meal, what you’re going to eat, and how you’ll tip us after.

We hate when you want to taste the wine. It’s just an extra trip that we don’t want to make, or have time to take. Drink the wine I give you and shut up. 

While legally we should be sent home if we are sick, they aren’t going to send us home and we are touching your food with our sick, dirty hands.

We don’t care if you are gluten free, a vegetarian, or have allergies… it’s all annoying. You my friend, are annoying. 

Your dad jokes are also annoying and we’ve heard them a million times before. 

From your favorite waitresses, 

Kelly and Lindsey

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

8 Tips To Keep You Sane This Holiday Season

8 Tips To Keep You Sane This Holiday Season

For those of us lucky enough to have a loving family we (thankfully) don’t live close to, the holidays are prime time for traveling at high financial cost to see them.  However, the emotional cost can be even higher.  No matter how loving a family may be, the holidays are often rife with repeated frustrations, acute depression, generalized anxiety, renewed sibling rivalry, exposed alcoholism, binge eating, underlying tension, drunken accusations, drunken confessions, all-out brawls, stony silence, and tears in your childhood bedroom, which, incidentally, is the name of my new band.  Thankfully, there are a few things you can do to beat the drama and keep your head above water this holiday season.

  1. Bring a Friend!  Be it a romantic partner, best friend, or casual work acquaintance, the mere presence of an outsider can help keep the pot lid tightly in place.  If (let’s be honest- When) the pot ultimately boils over, at least you have someone to lift your spirits or help you escape.  Just know you may lose this person as a friend or lover depending on how crazy your family is.  But at least you won’t have to blame yourself- this one is definitely all your family’s fault!
  2. Know Your Limits!  Everyone has a threshold of how much family time they can take.  My family, for instance, is a ticking time bomb that usually takes about three days to detonate.  So if I were a wiser person I would book a trip for three days.  I usually go for a week.  Which brings me to #3.
  3. Learn From Your Mistakes!  When we are thrust back into our families, we are unconsciously thrust back into the role we played when we were growing up. You know everyone’s buttons.  As a child you used to delight in pushing them.  And now you are an adult, so act like one, goddammit!  Stop repeating your part of the crazy family pattern.  This includes not letting them push your buttons, because you are a calm Zen garden filled with pure love and compassion.  Which brings me to #4.

  4. Be Prepared!  Before your trip you should do everything in your power to be ready for the family battlefield.  Go on a yoga retreat, start meditating or seeing a therapist like you said you were going to do 10 years ago, do a juice cleanse. (While this may make you hangry at the time, you will be so grateful to be eating pie again you won’t even notice that your aunt and uncle got divorced for at least two days!)
  5. Go in Guns Blazing!  Let’s be honest, sometimes that #4 shit ain’t gonna cut it.  Make a list of everything you are angry about and every elephant in every room, EVER.  Put on your leather jacket, walk into your parents’ house, pour yourself a nice tall glass of whisky, light up a cigarette IN THE HOUSE, exhale in your grandma’s face (She’s responsible for all this anyway, right?) and start rattling off your list.  For even greater effect, do this at the dinner table when as many family members as possible are present.  If you survive the day, I guarantee you’ll feel better.  You may not even have to go home for the holidays again next year!
  6. Don’t Drink!  Oftentimes, our problems and tensions become magnified when we drink.  Drunk fights are never productive, and crying yourself to sleep with your head in the toilet is the least restful sleep I can think of.  Especially if your family are big drinkers, it might be wise to lay off the sauce and let them fight it out while you watch and laugh from the top of your “I’m not getting into it” wagon.
  7. Drink Heavily!  If not drinking is not an option, do the opposite!  Drink to the point of blackout and it’s like this Christmas never happened!  Let them take all the pictures they want of you curled up naked with the cat under the Christmas tree and post them on Facebook, if you don’t remember it, it’s all hearsay. 
  8. Don’t Go Home!  Sometimes nothing works and that’s ok!  Let all of the stress caused by family drama, pressure, and obligation fade into the background by just pretending they don’t exist.  If they don’t you’re even one step closer to a blissfully selfish and indulgent holiday season jam-packed with or completely devoid of activities.  No matter what you do, it’s reassuring to know that you’ve chosen it all by yourself, all for yourself.  Enjoy the silence!

Monday, November 16, 2015

When I was in my 20's I was a drunk tornado. When you’re young you could have a stupid job with no pressure of the future, you could date without thinking, “Could this person be the one?”, and you don’t have to really take care of your body because that shit is tight! Then you turn 30.  When you turn 30, it’s time to buckle down, look around and say, ‘What can I change here?’.  

Here is a list of things you did in your 20’s that you can’t do in your 30’s:

1. Dating unavailable men- It’s done, over, finite. Time to only date men who deserve you and  ones that you want to have an actual future with. Or a conversation with, let’s just start with that. 

2. Drinking 5 nights a week- The money wasted, the bloating, the hangovers, and the overall funk… it’s over.  It’s time to move forward.  Find a new hobby.  Try knitting.

3. Not washing your face- Ladies, your skin looks good now, but that shit is gonna catch up to you.  It’s time to thoroughly wash your face.  And I’m not talking just using a face wipe. 

4. Drunk dialing or texting- Not cute.  At 25 it wasn’t cute, at 30 it’s sad. 

5. Not wearing sunscreen- see, “Not washing your face”. I’m serious.

6. Not flossing- Ladies, dental surgery, gum disease, this shit is for real.  So, save yourself some money and pain and try to floss a few times a week and then we will work up to more. (The American Dental Association suggests flossing every day, but we all know that's never gonna happen.)

7. Sleeping with your male friends/co-workers - Take my advice, no matter how chill or cool you think you are, at some point this gets awkward.  Or you’ll start to watch these dudes find real life partners or girlfriends and you'll feel like shit.  Start putting yourself out there and look for dudes you really want to date. See, “Dating unavailable men”.

Girl, you’re in your thirties.  Own it.  It’s an awesome age.  It’s time to own who you are and take care of yourself and be the best woman you can be.  Take care of you heart and your body, and most importantly, your gums.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK, Missed Connections Edition

I saw you at the blood lab in Ronkonkoma - m4w - 41 (ronkonkoma)Date: 2013-1-24, 8:24AM EST

I saw you at the blood lab in Ronkonkoma on Saturday morning.
Hi, I know we were kind of looking at each other big time.
Since I was getting blood tested and we were surrounded by nurses it was difficult for me to say something. Anyway why don't you e mail me. I was the tall handsome one across from the dog posters. I should have just waited for you after we got done.
Thanks, take care
Whaddaya say you give me those blood test results first?

Thursday, January 17, 2013

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK, Missed Connections Edition

you got off at myrtle willoughby - m4w (g bklyn)

Date: 2013-01-17, 7:45AM EST

you had red hair and were with a friend.
this was around 7:30 yesterday.
what was I doing?

What were YOU doing? Well let's were definitely making way more eye contact with me and my friend than seemed appropriate, you were reading a book called"Why Cats Paint", and I'm pretty sure, yup, I'm PRET-ty positive you were JERKING OFF. So no need to quiz me, jaghole, it's NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Monday, January 7, 2013

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK, Missed Connections Edition

in Friday's - m4w (Midtown West)

Date: 2013-1-05, 12:24PM EST

You were in Fridays.. with your married friend...getting bothered by the drunk annoying asian guy... you seemed to have a great sense of humor about it... I was guy at bar next to him.. would love to meet yo i promise im not annoying as him

Are you sure YOU weren't the drunk annoying asian guy? (With an Asian twang) "I was guy at bar"? Huh? Huh? And by the way, you douchebags deserve each other for being within 20 feet of Friday's.